I am not ready…

Have not wrote much lately since coming back from Beijing.. I was physically tired, no time with visitors around and well was pondering on a few issues as well.

One issue was my performance in reference to my walk as a believer of Jesus. It is scary for me as I face up to what I really am, the person I am deep inside, the darkness that I see in the deep recesses of my soul scares me.. I woke up one night with this chilling fear creeping over me.. the fear of being called home tomorrow, a nice thought if I could relate to it as well, home but the fact is, I am scared as it felt more like death than home. It was like being asked to prepare for a trip… if it was for a holiday out of Malaysia, I would have no problem packing in anticipation of the trip. What if I was given notice that it is time to leave this life behind and well, enter the unknown?

Frankly, I really have zero to bring with me… no clothes as there’s no need for it, no credit cards as it is also not required, definitely no need for US$. It is scary, going on a trip empty handed and with absolutely no preparation that could be done within the few hours from the notice to depart… I must say I am not ready. I wish to say that I am but my spirit forbids. God have mercy on me…

Read No Compromise The Life Story of Keith Green by Melody Green almost every night before I go to sleep. Here is one believer who truly is searching and serious about his faith. There is this sense of urgency and honesty in his quest to be a believer of Jesus. He has a genuine heart for loving people, inviting all in need into his home, giving them shelter and whatever food he could afford. I can’t quite place myself in such position. How could I reach these in need when I despise those around me? Anyone with different views, different ways, adheres to different principles, values in life, perceives differently… all these causes me to feel uncomfortable, could I bring myself to reach out to them? Where is the capacity in me to engage them and to love them in my deeds not just words? I am the one in need… not those around me. I, the one who have heard the message and purportedly chose to follow after the one nailed to the cross, Yes, I am the one who needs God to revisit me, to restore the joy of my salvation to me. I need to find my way back to the narrow and winding path that leads to life. My prayer tonight...

I NEED THEE EVERY HOUR

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford.

Refrain
I need Thee, O I need Thee;
Every hour I need Thee;
O bless me now, my Savior,
I come to Thee.

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby;
Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh.

Refrain

I need Thee every hour, in joy or pain;
Come quickly and abide, or life is in vain.

Refrain

I need Thee every hour; teach me Thy will;
And Thy rich promises in me fulfill.

Refrain

I need Thee every hour, most Holy One;
O make me Thine indeed, Thou blessèd Son.

Refrain